Valentine Schmalentine

Hey all. I had planned to write a wee rant on how Valentine’s Day is such a complete waste of time. Well, Craiglist rants to the rescue! Some anonymous fellow (this was NOT written by a woman) has done the job for me. Here is his hilarious and accurate rant in its entirety.

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Every guy involved with a woman knows that Valentine's Day is one of those stumbling blocks created for guys to trip over and be reminded that they are dogs, scum, and inconsiderate lizards. If a guy doesn't make Valentine's Day special for the woman he loves then she will remind him of just how inconsiderate, uncaring, forgetful, boorish, unromantic, inattentive .... he is. And she will be able to do this because OBVIOUSLY none of these terrible things apply to women!!!

Women are attentive.
Women are romantic.
Women are loving.
Women are caring.
Women are nurturing
Women are considerate.
blah blah blah....

But the point of this rant is this.. Why is Valentine's Day a stumbling block for MEN ONLY? Lets face the simple fact that on Valentine's Day, if a man does nothing for a woman he is in trouble, whereas, if a woman does nothing for a man, she is NOT in any trouble. Men must fulfill the expectations of their women while women have no expectations foisted upon them.

Is this fair?

If the holiday was called "Valentine's Day for Women" then it would be fair. But its not.
Mother's Day is clearly a day to honor women. Valentine's Day is a day to honor St. Valentine. Who is he?

".. it originated from St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. He died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend also says that St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine". Other aspects of the story say that St. Valentine served as a priest at the temple during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Claudius then had Valentine jailed for defying him. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honor St. Valentine. Gradually, February 14 became the date for exchanging love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. The date was marked by sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers and candy. There was often a social gathering or a ball. "

You will note the ".. exchanging love messages.." part of the quote meaning "I give something to you.. and you give something to me."

So the obvious conclusions about St. Valentine's Day are that (a) it's a Catholic ONLY Holiday and (b) the most appropriate observance is prayer, not cards, flowers, candy, dinner out, diamonds, furs, jewelry.... or any of the other consumer goods that exist pretty much only to be given by men to women.

But turn to your woman on Valentine's Day and say, "Honey, I said a prayer today to St. Valentine" and she'll say, "You better have prayed that I don't leave your sorry ass!!!! Where's my card, gift, flowers and romantic evening?" And you will never ever hear the end of it!! You will find yourself in that old familiar doghouse (which is really not so bad anymore seeing as how you installed a refrigerator to keep the beer cold since you spend SO MUCH TIME THERE!!!!!)

Now suppose the shoe is on the other foot. You're woman has been working hard and long doing, well, whatever passes for work for women, and suddenly it's Valentine's day. She has forgotten to give you a card, a note, a passing glance in the bathroom... Is she in trouble? Will she be spending any time in her doghouse? Of course not, don't be silly!!!! She was busy!! She justifiably forgot the day, but wasn't it so special that YOU remembered. You did remember didn't you, SCUM!!!!!

So guys, Valentine's Day is a test you MUST pass. It's a necessary event placed there to separate the men from the boys, the strong from the weak, the men who get sex from those who don't. You must enter into it as you would combat.. prepared!!! To help you with that, I've reduced Valentine's Day to a list of thing you ABSOLUTELY must know in order to keep the shine on your armor and the manure off your white charger. Here it is.. The GUYS list of important facts about Valentines Day and how to survive it:

First and foremost .. DO SOMETHING!!!!! This something that you do needs to fit the following criteria....

a) It must be the RIGHT THING.
You must determine, preferably by stealth, and cunning WHAT exactly it is that your woman wants done for her on Valentine's Day. This could be just about anything. It could be strictly symbolic.. as in a card, candy, Mercedes.. or it could be something of real substance.. as in stocks, yachts, small empires. What ever "IT" is, you need to figure that out LONG before Valentine's day actually arrives because casting about clumsily the day before will be a dead give away to your woman that you have blown it for yet another year, and maybe it's time to put that paneling up in the dog house seeing as you are going to have the time there anyway.

b) It must be done at the RIGHT TIME.
Timing is everything when it comes to Valentine's Day!!! Pulling the right gift out at the wrong time will reduce your score by 90% and perhaps garner a penalty. Simply look at this from your lovely ladies point of view.. "Okay.. I'm waiting.. I'm waiting.. I'm waiting.. POP" - That popping sound means you waited too long, and any time from then on means points are being deducted. Like a biological clock, your woman has a Valentine's clock that starts ticking a few days before the actual day. The size of the gift you need to give gets larger and larger the closer this clock gets to zero. Perfect time means she is just a tad anxious and beginning to have those niggling thoughts that maybe you forgot when BAM.. there you are with the PERFECT gift. Allowing her to have that second of doubt makes your gift that much more special and garners you points BIG TIME.

But be very careful... niggling doubts turn into full fledged skepticism.. which transforms into pessimistic anticipation of disappointment.. which quickly degrades into tornado strength rage over being treated so shabby by YOU.. Mr. Slime. Your timing needs to be just right. Blow this and you'll need a storm shelter.

c) It must last the WHOLE DAY.
Once you have made your offering(s) there is still time on the clock for you to blow it. Valentine's day is a minefield from beginning to end. You may believe you are safe once your offering has been given and accepted, but dismount from your white charger too early and you will quickly find yourself standing there doing the usual "What? What did I do?" An example will help illustrate.

The day arrives. You come home from work.. sweep your wife into your arms giving her the warmest most passionate kiss she has had in weeks.. and as you release her from your embrace you suddenly get this surprised look on your face.. patting your pocket you go "Humm.. I wonder what this could be?" as you pull out a small case and pass it to her. She opens it and there are the most perfect diamond earrings she has ever seen.. "Well, these must be for you..", you say smiling and moving in for another kiss. "Happy Valentine's Day Beautiful!!!" you say as you hold her there in the front hall. Later you take her out to dinner at that new restaurant to which only the rich and famous can seem to get reservations, but you managed to pull it off. On leaving the restaurant the valet brings you the wrong car.. a brand new Jaguar, but "Oh, look honey. It's already monogrammed with your name on it!!! We may as well drive it home!!" She looks at you as if you were a SUPERSTAR.. no moment in her life has ever been more special and no man could ever make her as happy as you do. You arrive home and she says she is going slip into something comfortable with that gleam in her eye that says you've earned something special. After a few minutes you walk to the refrigerator because you'd like to have a beer. Hum.. no beer. "Honey, are we out of beer?"

"Is that all you care about?"

"Um.. no.. honey, I was just asking.."

"I'm just a slave for you aren't I? I'm just here to make sure your BEER is kept stocked, aren't I!!!"

"No.. was just wondering.. I didn't mean..

"YOU BASTARD. How could you be so insensitive!!!" boo hoo boo hoo..

And Guess who is sleeping on the couch?! This poor shlep forgot that a woman on Valentine's day is like a woman on her period.. or before her period.. or after her period.. whatever. A woman on Valentine's day is a time bomb. One wrong move and she goes off. Why? Because it's HER DAY, DAMMIT !!! It's your job to make is special for HER... and woe be unto him who fails in the smallest way.

Okay, Now that you know the rules about DOING SOMETHING, the next step is figuring out exactly what to do. This requires amazing skill because part of the value of anything you DO do for your woman on Valentine's day comes from the very fact that it is difficult to discern the right thing to do.

Now, being a man, you might think that the smart thing to do would be to ASK your woman what it is she wants for Valentine's day. This makes complete male logic sense... if someone has information and you want to get at it you ask that person for the information and they give it to you. It's called communication. This logic is, of course completely wrong.

Women claim to be good communicators. It is men who don't know how to communicate. But if you ask a simple questions regarding what they want for Valentines day you will:

a) Not get a truthful answer because...

b) They will be disappointed that you don't know them well enough "just know" the answer without asking and...

c) Lose points in the Valentine's day challenge for having proved your self to be a MAN*

So direct communication is out of the question. But there are lots of ways to determine what your woman is hankering after that will win you points BIG time in the Valentine's day game. Some of these are:

1) Ask her friends. Say to her closest friend, "What would _____ want for Valentine's day that would make things really special for her?" This wins you points in several ways. One, her friends will naturally tell her you asked, and, though she won't tell you she knows, she'll be giving you points. Two, her friends will think better of you which comes in handy for mitigating the inevitable times when you've pulled a boner and she is complaining to them. And three, you might get an answer you can use. DANGER NOTICE: DO NOT use this technique the day before Valentines day because the clock has ticked past the deadline for this tactic and you will lose points with everyone involved.

2) Starting in January, start to pay attention to the flood of catalogs and magazines that are passing through your home. Look at what is marked, what pages are dog-eared, what kinds of ads seem to be left out in the open because, though they know if almost never works, women are constant hint droppers.. it's genetic .. and they always leave clues around about what they want if you are just paying a tad of attention. DANGER NOTICE: If the People magazine is constantly left open to articles about Peirce Brosnan.. well, you’re in trouble, unless you are Peirce Brosnan (in which case, Hi Peirce.. glad you found craigslist)

3) Test the waters... Float a few trial balloons and see which one's make her POP. "Honey, what do you think of the new Lexus?" "Hey baby, I'm thinking of investing in diamonds.. what do you think?" "Wow, look at the deal you can get on these season hockey tickets!!!" Depending on her reactions to these subtle (for a guy) ideas, you'll be able to hone right in on the perfect gift without giving ANYTHING away to your lady. "So, the mauve Jaguar with the leather interior and the gold trim and the 8 cylinder sport package is something anyone would love hum...?"

Is this all starting to sink in... Good, cause I'm tired of stating the obvious, and it's time to conclude...

1) Valentines day is a test which only men can fail.

2) Valentines day is the day on which you will either score or lose big time.. there is no neutral ground.

3) Valentine's day can be conquered with just a little bit of energy.

4) As with all tests.. if you fail you will never hear the end of it, so spend the energy and be the hero.

And finally.. if you’re reading this on Feb 15th then you already know what I'm talking about, and your probably ready to add that addition to the Dog House. Enjoy it.. your going to be there a while.

*MAN - being in this case shorthand for an insensitive, boorish, ham-handed, inconsiderate, lout. You know, a MAN....