9/11/07?!?

It's been a while since the Digglings had a political post, but for those of you who thrive on that sort of thing, the wait is over.

What follows is a short thread of correspondence resulting from a friend sending me one of those "In memory of all those slain in the twin towers on 9/11, pass this on to everyone you know, but if you don't care and don't stand for freedom, go ahead and delete it" emails. She sent the email asking "What do you think?" I responded to her, then got another friend to comment as well.
The exchanges are as follows. You'll note that my other friend is obviously much more level headed than me.

But first, the original message:

Thought you might be interested in this forgotten bit of information..........

It was 1987! At a lecture the other day they were playing an old news video of Lt.Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration. There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning! He was being drilled by a senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?" Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir." The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?" "No, sir," continued Ollie. "No? And why not?" the senator asked. "Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir." "Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned. "By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered. "Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"
"His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied.
At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked. "Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of", Ollie answered.
"And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator. "Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth." The senator disagreed with this approach, and that was all that was shown of the clip.

By the way, that senator was Al Gore!

Also: Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners." However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands. The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released. Thus Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports.

If you agree that the American public should be made aware of this fact, pass this on.
Subject: 9/11 Do Not Break - it is 3 years strong
This has not been broken since 9/11/01, please keep it going...This has been kept alive and moving since 9/11. In memory of all those who perished this morning; the passengers and the pilots on the United Air and AA flights, the workers in the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and all the innocent bystanders. Our prayers go out to the friends and families of the deceased.
Send this to at least 10 people to show your support.
PLEASE DON'T BREAK IT!!!!!!

OK! OK! I get it. Pass it on already.

Oops. Sorry. Didn't mean to be so opinionated in my introduction. Still, couldn't help it.
Regardless, here's my response to my friend's question asking "What do you think?":

Hmmm...
What do I think of that?

Well, here goes:

I think that the Republicans should get it through their heads that 9/11 is over. Americans, and the rest of the world with them, will never forget the terrible events of that day. However, American political policies need to be based on something other than fear related to the twin towers.

I think that finding a way to somehow blame 9/11 on the Democrats is idiotic. Bill Clinton's sternest warning to George W when handing over the White House was to be wary of Osama Bin Laden. George went on record saying he was more concerned with Iraq.

I think the debacle of Iraq, and the blood of each dead or maimed soldier, should be slung like a noose around every Republican's neck. Marching into Afghanistan to depose a Taliban regime that was harboring Bin Laden and was in support of the 9/11 attacks? Yes, and that's why the international community supported those efforts. But, to deflect money, resources and lives into a misguided grab for oil in Iraq? That's abhorrent, and those behind it should be held accountable. Instead, they are all making big bucks off their stocks and royalties as the war machine profits the likes of Halliburton and Lockheed Martin. (Dick Cheney really is the Anti-Christ)

I think any senator who goes on record suggesting that we send an assassination team after a suspected terrorist is nuts. That's against international law, and can be prosecuted as such. Al Gore is no idiot. Poor little Ollie North IS AN IDIOT! Watch the entire hearings and tell me that he was intelligent or trustworthy. True, he was the fall guy for those who told him what to do, and that is unfortunate. But he's no saint or martyr, either.

I think the Israelis have an effective way of sneaking into "enemy" territory and killing individuals as they see fit. Perhaps that would have been an equally effective means of eliminating Bin Laden, but I doubt if that would have prevented 9/11. Besides, somehow justifying the bloodshed done in the name of Israeli "self defense" in order to defend current US efforts in the Middle East is naive and misguided.

And finally, I think that email propaganda such as this, much like the supposed boat brigade email claiming that John Kerry was practically a terrorist himself, is propagating hate and misconceptions to the minds of the gullible and moronic. Unfortunately, just such a message, one that continues to promote the concept of fear to the American people, can be surprisingly effective.

So, as you can see, I really don't have much of an opinion...

And finally, the much more appropriate and human response of a very good friend from the States:

I read the Osama bin Laden related message and reply. What a wonderful world this would be if there were only a handful of “bad guys” (as Republicans call them) and their motives and guilt were obvious and beyond question. But, of course, it is a dangerous oversimplification to think that, Wow, if somebody had followed Ollie’s advice then the world today would be shining and safe. BS. Oliver North was a criminal and an idiot. Should he have been “rubbed out” by people opposing his views? No.

My stand is that there are bad people in this world, evil ideas, dangerous cults, and destructive philosophies. There are also good people, positive ideas, productive groups, and constructive philosophies. There is also the gray area in between, where we have all ventured and where we continue to stumble into every now and again no matter how much we don’t want to. Assassination squads are evil, no matter who they target. Torture is evil, for whatever purpose. Killing and destruction in the name of promoting peace or in God’s name does not ring true. Yes, I believe in self defense and in people defending their values, but I also believe that people should lead by example and take care of each other. Take the high road, or at least strive to do so. Terrible situations and destructive people are always around us. They always will be. Sometimes they are us. Strive to be on the side that promotes kindness, not pain. But, be prepared to endure pain. It is part of life. That is my stand.

And Jesus Wept...

Hey, has anyone been following the ongoing Catholic church scandal in LA? The church is being forced to sell off property and possessions to pay out the portion of the court settlement from events that occurred before they had sexual abuse insurance.
Sexual abuse insurance?!?
Who knew there was such a thing?
How about they jail any priest found to be a molester, just like they would a layperson?
How about yanking tax-exempt status from any church whose leaders molest children?
"Sexual-abuse insurance".
And Jesus wept...

Fear of Flying?

You know, we really don't have enough time to shop in our lives.  It's so thoughtful of the airlines to provide us with some shopping options while they have us all strapped into those tiny seats with no means of escape.  After all, there’s no room to do anything else, why not flip through a Sky Mall magazine?
"Tired of trying to catch spiders way up high on your vaulted ceilings?  Have we got a product for you!"
Good god those things are absolutely full of just the sort of rubbish that’s perfect for "someone who has everything".  
Why would anyone buy anything from Sky Mall?  A friend of mine came up with this theory: “I think it's because crap looks significantly better thousands of feet in the air in dim lighting with pressure in your head. Really, you get a good strong pressure going between your ears and all of a sudden that hot dog cooker shaped like R2D2 looks pretty good!”
I especially like the section on Garage Organizers.  You're certainly going to need a great big one to store all the crap you buy from the Sky Mall magazine because you're inevitably NEVER going to use it!

The more I fly, the more I'm amazed that there is any independent thought left in America at all.  (Wake up Canada.  You’re part of this!)  It is truly a brain dead society, full of people wandering aimlessly through life, doing what they're told.  And nowhere else is it so obvious as in airports and on airplanes.

Waiting lounges are inundated with big screen TVs blaring out CNN.  And it ain't news they're showing, it's advertising dressed up as news.  "Condoleezza Rice plays classical music, but works out to Led Zeppelin!  What do you think of that?"  
What I think of that is "Who gives a flying f*ck?!?"  The woman is at the center of the carnage that is Iraq, and the TV is spoon feeding us human-interest drivel?

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security has raised the terror level to ORANGE!  We're asked to be extra vigilant during this time of increased threat.  Perhaps we'd all be better off if we just listened to a few bars of "Stairway to Heaven"?

One would think that maybe people are too smart to buy all the crap that we're being fed.  One would be wrong.  All you have to do is listen to people's cell phone conversations (as if we have a choice because they insist on yelling into the damn things) to realize that the majority of the population has decided to disregard all of their cerebral capacity.  
"The plane just landed.  Now we're pulling up to the gate.  Now I'm walking off the plane.  Hey, there’s someone who looks like Brad Pitt.  Now I'm passing a Starbucks.  Now I'm walking into the baggage claim area."  
No wonder the telecom companies continue to make a killing.  They are simply taking advantage of our ridiculous need to broadcast inane facets of our petty little lives to anyone who will listen.  I swear at least half of these people are talking to their own answering machines.  No human being could possibly be on the other end, unless of course the recipient is merrily spouting his or her own gibberish at the same time.  

Even more flabbergasting was a small Asian woman sitting in front of me who spent almost a whole flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle trying to send text messages.  She seemed to get increasingly frustrated each time it didn't work.  There are so many things fundamentally wrong with that, I simply don't know where to start.

But maybe we’re just doing what’s expected of us?  Walk by the news agency in any airport and look at all the magazines and newspapers dedicated to peddling celebrity worship.  Whether it’s sports, fashion, Hollywood or even politics (“Oprah for President?”), we’re certainly being encouraged to get in line and join the homogenized society.  Even “The Economist” has updated its format so it looks more like “People Magazine”.  

Before we know it, we’re all mind-numbingly strolling through the airport with glazed eyes, humming the same tune and thinking about who’s going to win “Rock Star Supernova”.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s a list of observations from a day of flying this past Saturday that would seem more appropriate in a movie about zombies:
- people unable to realize that coins will in fact set off the metal detector
- people who stand for 20 minutes in a line-up to get their ticket checked, then get surprised and flustered when they reach the front and they're asked to show their ticket
- people who try to bring coffee onto a plane when there are huge banners all over the airport saying "No Liquids on any Flight", and respond by screaming at the ticket agent  (maybe they should scream at Condoleezza?)

Yup, whether we’re buying our crap from Sky Mall or the media, it’s all still crap.  Unfortunately for us, the famous old saying applies here as well as anywhere, “Crap in…Crap out”.  

5 AM ramblings...

I'm sitting in an airport in Orlando at this ungodly hour, starting an epic journey back to Vancouver.
Quite surreal, really. A bunch of Americans sitting like zombies in a waiting lounge wearing Mickey Mouse ears.
Oh, and not to be outdone, there's a scout group of about 20 boys and men, all dressed in their little tan uniforms complete with scarves and badges.
There are flat screened TVs everywhere, blaring CNN. Today's biggest headline? Apparently marijuana is being sold in schools disguised as candy. Yep, some bright soul is stuffing little round bubble gum with marijuana extract (I believe we used to call it 'oil'). The candies are marked with a happy face.
Isn't there a military conflict going on somewhere?
Good God people, stop drinking so much soda pop!
Ah, the perky flight attendants have arrived. We may actually be flying this morning. No pilots yet, however.
Ate dinner last night in a "beni hanna" style Japanese restaurant. Our traditional chef was named Pedro.
Hey, have you ever checked in online before? Super slick. No line up at the airport when you arrive, and if you're not checking baggage, you just head through security straight to the gate. Already assigned a seat, it's nothing but Starbucks and the waiting lounge. Brilliant, huh? Well, not if they happen to change aircraft on you. I'm now sitting in a middle seat from here to Houston.
Already been up for two hours. One more hour til take-off. Feel my pain...

Halliburton Rules

The headline says it all, and just in case you’re interested, I’ve included a link to the actual article where you can learn more and really get your blood boiling.  Here it is:
Army Plans to End Contentious Halliburton Logistics Pact and Split Work Among Companies
The pact paid Halliburton more than $15 billion to do jobs like deliver food and fuel and construct housing for U.S. troops around the world.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/13/washington/13halliburton.html?th&emc=th

When is it going to end?  I mean, there have always been political shenanigans going on behind closed doors, but this has been the most flagrant conflict of interest I have ever seen.  There’s nothing “back door” about it.  The Bush administration, led by the anti-christ himself – ex Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney, has been flaunting this one in front of the cameras for years!  They haven’t made any attempt to keep it from public view, which in my mind is the brilliance of the scheme.  It’s the only way they’d have been able to get away with it.

The premise is really quite simple.  We’re at war (aren’t we?), and that calls for drastic measures.  But wait, it gets better.  We’re not at war with an actual enemy; we’re at war with a concept!  It’s not a war on Iraq; it’s a war on terrorism.  And, as long as we’re at war, we can ignore things like rules and regulations and the Geneva Convention.  Well, the jury’s still out on the last one, but you get my drift.

So, the war on terror not only gives the Bush administration (and any US administration that follows) the right to march around invading foreign nations, it apparently also gives them the right to give their business cronies buckets and buckets of money.  Dick Cheney was instrumental in building the construction division of Halliburton, and now his administration (oops, I mean the Bush Administration) has been giving that very division billions of dollars worth of no-bid government contracts.

But why stop there?  Surely there’s other human suffering to profit from?  Hey, that’s it, target suffering and terrorism!  Why not give Halliburton billions more dollars to “help” reconstruct New Orleans?  It was a natural disaster, after all, and that calls for drastic measures.  (Note the reoccurring theme here.)  There’s surely no time for accepting bids from other contractors.  May as well just give a blank check to someone we trust.  Of course, our buddy Dick has arranged to give that check to a company that still pays him dividends and bonuses, and whose stock he happens to own in amounts measured by the truckload.

(Halliburton may not escape the New Orleans debacle, however.  Those numbers are being watched, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some Halliburton heads will roll.  Certainly not Dick’s, though.  He’s a federal politician, and has acted as best he could given these trying times.  No, Dick will come out smelling like a rose.)

Why haven’t we been screaming about this for the last five years?  Moreover, why hasn’t the press been hounding Dick Cheney everywhere he goes?  I realize that the anti-christ may be a somewhat foreboding character, but he should still be held accountable, right?  But here’s the brilliant part, and it’s beautiful in its simplicity:  You can’t be held accountable if you’re not doing anything wrong!  There’s nothing to punish if no crime has been committed.  So, harkening back to lessons learned in Nazi Germany, the Feds have been feeding us the “Great Lie”, and we’ve been eating it up.  Whether it’s illegal prisons, wire-tapping or unjust wars, as long as it’s being done right in front of us without an air of secrecy, we accept it as not only legal, but reasonable and necessary.  And, our blind faith has resulted in Dick and his buddies becoming very, very rich.

When will it end?  Probably never.  All I can say is that I bought Halliburton when it was at $32.  Lots of it.  Suckers!!!

Flying By Numbers

Some stats from a recent day spent flying from San Antonio to Vancouver (via Dallas):

5:30 – time of scheduled wake-up call
never – actual time of wake-up call
6:00 – time at which I happened to roll over and look at the clock
6:30 – time of arrival at check-in counter for flight to Dallas
7:26 – scheduled departure time
45 – number of minutes in security line-up
5 - number of seats by which flight was oversold
30E – number of my assigned seat
30E – number of seat assigned to and occupied by a sharply dressed Hispanic businessman
2 – number of other seats I was directed to sit in prior to occupying my final seat
550 – estimated combined weight (in pounds) of the two individuals on either side of my middle seat
0 – number of available arm rests
1 – number of opportunities I was given to relocate to a less “crowded” seat, but was prevented from doing so because the obese gentleman to my left refused to stand-up “yet again” (I’m not kidding!)
39 – number of minutes that gentleman snored through the flight
40 – duration of flight to Dallas, in minutes (thank God!)
2 – number of hours scheduled for layover in Dallas
1 – number of oil leaks discovered in left hand side engine of Vancouver destined aircraft, after all passengers were loaded
5 – number of times engine was restarted in hopes that the leak would “go away”
0 – number of successful attempts
2.5 – number of hours “de-planed” passengers waited for a replacement aircraft
55 – number of minutes that passengers were further delayed, once loaded on the 2nd aircraft, waiting for food services to stock the galley
4.5 – total number of hours behind schedule that I arrived in Vancouver

Iraq 'n roll, Iran 'n roll over?

This just in: The Bush Administration continued to plan a major air attack on Iran; a highly placed government consultant said that President George W. Bush believes that "saving Iran is going to be his legacy."

Wha?!?  Shock and Awe II?  Are they nuts?  Has Bush been talking to God again?
Isn’t anyone keeping score after the inaugural Shock and Awe?  How much is it currently costing America in terms of lives and $$$ to occupy a Middle Eastern country that, when attacked, had no military and an infrastructure crippled by sanctions and corruption?  Now they want to take on another Middle Eastern country, yet this one actually has military might and reasonable infrastructure?  And, lest we forget, all the while they’ll continue to occupy Iraq and Afghanistan?
Can any good come of this?  

I can see what the legacy is, and I'm afraid - very afraid.  I thought Presidents just wanted to leave behind libraries.  Mind you, I suppose that requires that the President has actually read a book.

I’ll leave you with the words of a friend of mine who has just returned from a six week “tour of duty” in some of the world’s smelliest armpits.  “Can you believe this stupidity?  It is fucking unbelievable.  Bombing another country...  Man this world is fucked up.  I am going back to Mongolia.”

Amen, brother.  Amen

That's Really a Stretch!

Remember that scene in the movie Brazil where the main character’s mother is having yet another facelift, and when it’s finished she looks like some sort of stretched out ghoul?  It was absolutely frightening.  I found myself thinking “Thank God this is only a movie!”.
Sometimes life is stranger than fiction.  The old cliché leapt into my world today.  
This morning I had breakfast in a small café on the edge of Cal State in Berkeley.  The table next to me consisted of a group of seniors.  Pretty standard senior fare – lots of grey hair, conversations about bodily functions not going according to plan (I couldn’t help but overhear, they were right next to me and spoke really, really loud), and all sorts of indecision when it came time to order.  That sort of thing.
Yet, sitting among them was an imposter, no, more a freak.  Ladies and gentlemen, I am here before you to proclaim that the character from Brazil is alive and well and was last seen eating breakfast in Berkeley – by me!
I’ll spare you the details about eyes that can’t close or skin stretched back so far that her ears actually touched each other behind her head.  No, the whole scenario was too disgusting to put into words.  Mind you, I did get the sense that the group of them saw her as some sort of 1920’s carnival freak.  She looked like an alien, and tried acting like a, like, you know, college coed.  She kissed each of them as they left, and the collective cringes were priceless.
So, nothing earth shattering here, just a plea.  If you’re getting old, and I’m not that far behind you, just accept it.  Stay healthy.  Have fun.  Enjoy life.  But please, and I mean please, don’t go the freak route.  It won’t look good on you, honest!

Hairless Perfection?

“I have some concerns about certain issues in the ‘pubic’ domain,” stated a recent email from a friend. She was referring to a spam strip-o-gram that has been making the rounds, showing an attractive Wal-Mart greeter “baring all”. I realize that there’s no such thing as a hot Wal-Mart employee of any kind, but hey, this is fantasy and she is indeed hot. I’ll send you a copy if you wish to do some research of your own.
But I digress. My friend’s point was with respect to the hairless nature of the woman’s body, below her head that is. This particular Wal-Martian had truly bared all, not just clothing. My friend wasn’t necessarily saying that she found it unattractive, but it just seemed weird. The following is my response to her question “What’s up with that?”

The "hairless" ideal has been creeping into our society for both men and women for some time. It wasn't that long ago (OK, the 70's) that a real man, and therefore a sexy man, was a hairy man. Just think of that poster of a nude Burt Reynolds wearing nothing but a cowboy hat covering his privates. He was a hairy monster, and apparently the ladies loved it. Or they were being told to love it. Either way, it was the male ideal.
How about women during the same period? Many were already expending more energy shaving their legs and armpits, so we have to look a little "deeper" to find the answer. And how deeper can you go than porn? The 70's were the classic days of porn, or so I've read. Back then the ladies differed from today's ideal in one striking way - bush. They didn't even trim their bushes, let alone shave them. That was the norm.
So in the 70's, we had men doing essentially no body hair grooming (except for maybe moustaches and beards), and women doing it away from their privates.

Jump ahead a couple of decades, and my how things have changed! Here's where I think a major shift in the psyche of Western society has occurred. In the 70's, the ideal was men who were men, and women who were women. Today, the ideal is men who are little boys, and women who are little boys. Hairless, and often featureless. The male ideal is waxed legs, arms and chests. The female ideal is Kate Moss. What happened?

My theory is that the cosmetic companies saw a huge market potential and they played it perfectly. Women were already spending billions of dollars on grooming products for almost every inch of their bodies. There was only limited potential for growth selling to women. Meanwhile, men were merrily cruising along "au natural", spending nothing on grooming other than the occasional bottle of "Hai Karate" after shave lotion. So, all the cosmetics industry had to do was continue to get women spending as much as possible on cosmetics and grooming products, while at the same time convincing men that they needed to spend almost as much. Brilliant in its simplicity, the market could potentially more than double!

But how to do it?
Step one would be to understand why women spend all that money. Then all they’d need to do would be find a way to get men to think and act the same way.
The first step wasn't so difficult. "Woman, thy name is vanity." It could be argued which came first, a woman's inclination to "beautify" herself, or society's telling her to do so. But either way, that was they key. Women were, and still are, obsessed with doing whatever it takes to help themselves look younger, shapelier, etc.
What had to be done to get men to think and act the same way?
It's no coincidence that it happened concurrently with the rise of acceptance of homosexuality in Western society. Homosexual men are well groomed and aware of all aspects of the fashion world. As these fit, handsome, style-conscious men became more prevalent in day-to-day life, straight men (and their women) started paying attention. And the sellers of products promising to make it all happen couldn’t have been happier.

Fast-forward to today, and it's been a larger success story than anyone could have ever expected. The male ideal is no longer the classic natural man, but the homosexual ideal of the hairless boy. And man does it cost a lot of money to keep up. At the same time, the female ideal has converged on the male, at least in as far as how it requires grooming and cosmetics to achieve that same hairless perfection.

More Heart Shaped Candy

Nice to see so many people standing up for Valentine’s Day. Well, sort of...
What follows is a quick response I sent to a friend who took me to task on the “Valentine Schmalentine” article.
***************************************************
Who me?
Far be it from me to express displeasure with a day dedicated to expressions of romantic love...
Nope. Not me. That article was written by some sarcastic sod on Craig's List. Nothing to do with my current state of thinking…

That said, I did find certain ASPECTS of the article interesting. Something about how the original idea of MUTUAL expressions of love between two people has turned into a rather one-sided ordeal (i.e. one side expects it, the other side digs deep and hopes it's enough to satisfy that rather indefinable expectation).

But seriously, my true feelings about Valentine's Day are similar to those I hold concerning New Years Eve.
People who go all out on New Years tend to be people that don't get out much. They are happy to spend $100 per person to go to some lame bar, watch the same band that played the previous night (for free!), and drink a complimentary glass of Baby Duck at midnight. It's a big night for them because they got to leave the kids with a sitter and play for a night in the big city. It wouldn't be such a big deal if they actually let loose once in a while.
Valentine's Day ends up being much the same. People who lead fairly mundane day to day lives attempt to rekindle something with their partner by spending lots of money at restaurants with inflated "Valentine's Menu" pricing. Or, they get all depressed because they don't do much of anything on Feb 14 and they wonder "where the love went".
I only say this because I think it’s better to maintain a healthy level of romance all year long. It's not a case of me thumbing my nose at a day of romance; it's actually quite the opposite. I say, why restrict it to one day? Why run the risk of having your love marginalized by yet another media hyped consumer cash grab? Instead, fill your year with as many nice dinners (Wild Rice works for me), romantic getaways (I know a great waterfront Inn in Port Townsend), and special treats (I honestly hope I don't need to make any suggestions here) as your budget can withstand. And most of all, it needs to remain a mutual thing. Money's not the equalizer here; it's effort and thoughtfulness.
And there's not a hint of cynicism intended. Well, not a lot, anyhow.

Valentine Schmalentine

Hey all. I had planned to write a wee rant on how Valentine’s Day is such a complete waste of time. Well, Craiglist rants to the rescue! Some anonymous fellow (this was NOT written by a woman) has done the job for me. Here is his hilarious and accurate rant in its entirety.

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Every guy involved with a woman knows that Valentine's Day is one of those stumbling blocks created for guys to trip over and be reminded that they are dogs, scum, and inconsiderate lizards. If a guy doesn't make Valentine's Day special for the woman he loves then she will remind him of just how inconsiderate, uncaring, forgetful, boorish, unromantic, inattentive .... he is. And she will be able to do this because OBVIOUSLY none of these terrible things apply to women!!!

Women are attentive.
Women are romantic.
Women are loving.
Women are caring.
Women are nurturing
Women are considerate.
blah blah blah....

But the point of this rant is this.. Why is Valentine's Day a stumbling block for MEN ONLY? Lets face the simple fact that on Valentine's Day, if a man does nothing for a woman he is in trouble, whereas, if a woman does nothing for a man, she is NOT in any trouble. Men must fulfill the expectations of their women while women have no expectations foisted upon them.

Is this fair?

If the holiday was called "Valentine's Day for Women" then it would be fair. But its not.
Mother's Day is clearly a day to honor women. Valentine's Day is a day to honor St. Valentine. Who is he?

".. it originated from St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. He died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend also says that St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine". Other aspects of the story say that St. Valentine served as a priest at the temple during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Claudius then had Valentine jailed for defying him. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honor St. Valentine. Gradually, February 14 became the date for exchanging love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. The date was marked by sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers and candy. There was often a social gathering or a ball. "

You will note the ".. exchanging love messages.." part of the quote meaning "I give something to you.. and you give something to me."

So the obvious conclusions about St. Valentine's Day are that (a) it's a Catholic ONLY Holiday and (b) the most appropriate observance is prayer, not cards, flowers, candy, dinner out, diamonds, furs, jewelry.... or any of the other consumer goods that exist pretty much only to be given by men to women.

But turn to your woman on Valentine's Day and say, "Honey, I said a prayer today to St. Valentine" and she'll say, "You better have prayed that I don't leave your sorry ass!!!! Where's my card, gift, flowers and romantic evening?" And you will never ever hear the end of it!! You will find yourself in that old familiar doghouse (which is really not so bad anymore seeing as how you installed a refrigerator to keep the beer cold since you spend SO MUCH TIME THERE!!!!!)

Now suppose the shoe is on the other foot. You're woman has been working hard and long doing, well, whatever passes for work for women, and suddenly it's Valentine's day. She has forgotten to give you a card, a note, a passing glance in the bathroom... Is she in trouble? Will she be spending any time in her doghouse? Of course not, don't be silly!!!! She was busy!! She justifiably forgot the day, but wasn't it so special that YOU remembered. You did remember didn't you, SCUM!!!!!

So guys, Valentine's Day is a test you MUST pass. It's a necessary event placed there to separate the men from the boys, the strong from the weak, the men who get sex from those who don't. You must enter into it as you would combat.. prepared!!! To help you with that, I've reduced Valentine's Day to a list of thing you ABSOLUTELY must know in order to keep the shine on your armor and the manure off your white charger. Here it is.. The GUYS list of important facts about Valentines Day and how to survive it:

First and foremost .. DO SOMETHING!!!!! This something that you do needs to fit the following criteria....

a) It must be the RIGHT THING.
You must determine, preferably by stealth, and cunning WHAT exactly it is that your woman wants done for her on Valentine's Day. This could be just about anything. It could be strictly symbolic.. as in a card, candy, Mercedes.. or it could be something of real substance.. as in stocks, yachts, small empires. What ever "IT" is, you need to figure that out LONG before Valentine's day actually arrives because casting about clumsily the day before will be a dead give away to your woman that you have blown it for yet another year, and maybe it's time to put that paneling up in the dog house seeing as you are going to have the time there anyway.

b) It must be done at the RIGHT TIME.
Timing is everything when it comes to Valentine's Day!!! Pulling the right gift out at the wrong time will reduce your score by 90% and perhaps garner a penalty. Simply look at this from your lovely ladies point of view.. "Okay.. I'm waiting.. I'm waiting.. I'm waiting.. POP" - That popping sound means you waited too long, and any time from then on means points are being deducted. Like a biological clock, your woman has a Valentine's clock that starts ticking a few days before the actual day. The size of the gift you need to give gets larger and larger the closer this clock gets to zero. Perfect time means she is just a tad anxious and beginning to have those niggling thoughts that maybe you forgot when BAM.. there you are with the PERFECT gift. Allowing her to have that second of doubt makes your gift that much more special and garners you points BIG TIME.

But be very careful... niggling doubts turn into full fledged skepticism.. which transforms into pessimistic anticipation of disappointment.. which quickly degrades into tornado strength rage over being treated so shabby by YOU.. Mr. Slime. Your timing needs to be just right. Blow this and you'll need a storm shelter.

c) It must last the WHOLE DAY.
Once you have made your offering(s) there is still time on the clock for you to blow it. Valentine's day is a minefield from beginning to end. You may believe you are safe once your offering has been given and accepted, but dismount from your white charger too early and you will quickly find yourself standing there doing the usual "What? What did I do?" An example will help illustrate.

The day arrives. You come home from work.. sweep your wife into your arms giving her the warmest most passionate kiss she has had in weeks.. and as you release her from your embrace you suddenly get this surprised look on your face.. patting your pocket you go "Humm.. I wonder what this could be?" as you pull out a small case and pass it to her. She opens it and there are the most perfect diamond earrings she has ever seen.. "Well, these must be for you..", you say smiling and moving in for another kiss. "Happy Valentine's Day Beautiful!!!" you say as you hold her there in the front hall. Later you take her out to dinner at that new restaurant to which only the rich and famous can seem to get reservations, but you managed to pull it off. On leaving the restaurant the valet brings you the wrong car.. a brand new Jaguar, but "Oh, look honey. It's already monogrammed with your name on it!!! We may as well drive it home!!" She looks at you as if you were a SUPERSTAR.. no moment in her life has ever been more special and no man could ever make her as happy as you do. You arrive home and she says she is going slip into something comfortable with that gleam in her eye that says you've earned something special. After a few minutes you walk to the refrigerator because you'd like to have a beer. Hum.. no beer. "Honey, are we out of beer?"

"Is that all you care about?"

"Um.. no.. honey, I was just asking.."

"I'm just a slave for you aren't I? I'm just here to make sure your BEER is kept stocked, aren't I!!!"

"No.. was just wondering.. I didn't mean..

"YOU BASTARD. How could you be so insensitive!!!" boo hoo boo hoo..

And Guess who is sleeping on the couch?! This poor shlep forgot that a woman on Valentine's day is like a woman on her period.. or before her period.. or after her period.. whatever. A woman on Valentine's day is a time bomb. One wrong move and she goes off. Why? Because it's HER DAY, DAMMIT !!! It's your job to make is special for HER... and woe be unto him who fails in the smallest way.

Okay, Now that you know the rules about DOING SOMETHING, the next step is figuring out exactly what to do. This requires amazing skill because part of the value of anything you DO do for your woman on Valentine's day comes from the very fact that it is difficult to discern the right thing to do.

Now, being a man, you might think that the smart thing to do would be to ASK your woman what it is she wants for Valentine's day. This makes complete male logic sense... if someone has information and you want to get at it you ask that person for the information and they give it to you. It's called communication. This logic is, of course completely wrong.

Women claim to be good communicators. It is men who don't know how to communicate. But if you ask a simple questions regarding what they want for Valentines day you will:

a) Not get a truthful answer because...

b) They will be disappointed that you don't know them well enough "just know" the answer without asking and...

c) Lose points in the Valentine's day challenge for having proved your self to be a MAN*

So direct communication is out of the question. But there are lots of ways to determine what your woman is hankering after that will win you points BIG time in the Valentine's day game. Some of these are:

1) Ask her friends. Say to her closest friend, "What would _____ want for Valentine's day that would make things really special for her?" This wins you points in several ways. One, her friends will naturally tell her you asked, and, though she won't tell you she knows, she'll be giving you points. Two, her friends will think better of you which comes in handy for mitigating the inevitable times when you've pulled a boner and she is complaining to them. And three, you might get an answer you can use. DANGER NOTICE: DO NOT use this technique the day before Valentines day because the clock has ticked past the deadline for this tactic and you will lose points with everyone involved.

2) Starting in January, start to pay attention to the flood of catalogs and magazines that are passing through your home. Look at what is marked, what pages are dog-eared, what kinds of ads seem to be left out in the open because, though they know if almost never works, women are constant hint droppers.. it's genetic .. and they always leave clues around about what they want if you are just paying a tad of attention. DANGER NOTICE: If the People magazine is constantly left open to articles about Peirce Brosnan.. well, you’re in trouble, unless you are Peirce Brosnan (in which case, Hi Peirce.. glad you found craigslist)

3) Test the waters... Float a few trial balloons and see which one's make her POP. "Honey, what do you think of the new Lexus?" "Hey baby, I'm thinking of investing in diamonds.. what do you think?" "Wow, look at the deal you can get on these season hockey tickets!!!" Depending on her reactions to these subtle (for a guy) ideas, you'll be able to hone right in on the perfect gift without giving ANYTHING away to your lady. "So, the mauve Jaguar with the leather interior and the gold trim and the 8 cylinder sport package is something anyone would love hum...?"

Is this all starting to sink in... Good, cause I'm tired of stating the obvious, and it's time to conclude...

1) Valentines day is a test which only men can fail.

2) Valentines day is the day on which you will either score or lose big time.. there is no neutral ground.

3) Valentine's day can be conquered with just a little bit of energy.

4) As with all tests.. if you fail you will never hear the end of it, so spend the energy and be the hero.

And finally.. if you’re reading this on Feb 15th then you already know what I'm talking about, and your probably ready to add that addition to the Dog House. Enjoy it.. your going to be there a while.

*MAN - being in this case shorthand for an insensitive, boorish, ham-handed, inconsiderate, lout. You know, a MAN....

Conservative Blues

It’s two days after the big federal election here in Canada, and as the dust settles, some voting patterns are starting to emerge. Most of them are pretty standard stuff, like the majority of seats in Quebec went to separatists (oops, I mean sovereigntists – that really sounds so much less confrontational), and the party based in Alberta swept Alberta. But, the pattern making most of the headlines in Canada, and dominating water cooler conversations everywhere, is this – the right wing conservative party (that won a minority government) didn’t win a single seat in any of Canada’s three largest cities. That’s right, no Conservatives in Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver.

So, what does this mean? I’ve heard all sorts of theories, from “city folk are too intellectual to be suckered in by the Conservatives and their hidden agenda”, to “only people in small communities are naïve enough to buy in to the GST reduction scheme.”

I have a different theory, and it goes something like this: Canada is not all that different from the USA. We Canadians like to wallow in our smug state of condescendence as we gaze to the south and claim cerebral superiority over our neighbors. Well guess what folks? It ain’t so.

We all laughed at the map of the US, with all that red in the middle and a strip of blue down either side. We sent around copies of the front page from England’s Daily Mirror with a headline asking “How could 90 some-odd million Americans be so stupid?” It was all great fun.

So Canada, the shoe is now firmly on the other foot, and although Stephen Harper is not exactly George Dubya (at least we hope not), there are still some striking similarities. He opposes bans on handguns, he’s against gay marriage and abortion, and there’s that little thing about how if he had been leading the country several short years ago, our troops would be dieing over in Iraq “defending freedom”. At least we know that our governing party would have been praying for them.

About the only difference I see at the moment is that Canada, just to be different, has labeled the left red, and the right blue. So now that map of “The United States of Canada vs. Jesusland” is all screwed up. I suppose we call the left red because it is closer to pinko, as in commie. And I suppose they call the right red because it’s, well, right, and that has a nice ring to it. Either way, if they adopted our color scheme (or we adopted theirs), the result would be the same. Jesusland just got a whole lot bigger!

Feedback: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugh!

Well Hallelujah, it finally happened! After months of ramblings and musings on these pages, something has struck a chord with you the readers. Surprising to me, it wasn’t anything about God, natural disasters, politics or even guns. No, it was a piece on people acting ignorantly, and it drew more emotional responses than anything I had written previously. Comments ranged from something on the order of “Right on, high fives and cokes all around!” to an anonymous entry accusing me of being a “self-anointed superior jackass”.

So which is it? In case you didn’t read the piece, or for those too lazy to scroll down and check it out, it was a description of a guided night-time walk down an exquisite beach in Costa Rica to observe leatherback turtles laying eggs. I was struck by how our group seemed completely disinterested in the special and rare experience we were sharing, preferring to blab on and on about unrelated mundane fluff. The final conclusion that I drew was "if you don’t have something of value to add to such a situation, please don’t feel the need to fill the night air with inane chatter." Or something like that...

A bit harsh? Perhaps, but it stems from a rather strongly held belief of mine that as individuals we owe it to ourselves, to our fellow human beings and to the earth itself to wake up and pay attention. I’m not asking a lot, yet imagine if every one of us dedicated a small portion of our thinking, say 10%, to something that matters. If we could just step outside the reality television fast food culture long enough to take stock of what’s going on around us, I’m convinced the world would be a better place. Instead, the bulk of the population chooses to live life with blinders on, unwilling to look beyond their own immediate experience.

Costa Rica provides a classic example of what I mean. It’s a beautiful, fascinating place, full of culture, nature and, of course, surfing. No wonder it is one of the top tourist destinations in the world. However, as more and more foreigners are attracted to the place, many deciding to move there, the result isn’t so much a celebration of Costa Rica as it is an exercise in modern-world mediocrity.

The beachfront of Tamarindo is becoming increasingly crowded with hotels, and the surrounding hillsides are now dotted with condo developments. It’s bound to happen in such a desirable location, and brings much needed money to the local economy. But why is it that it also brings Pizza Hut, Burger King, Subway and the never ending list of usual suspects? These places have all set up shop yet Tamarindo doesn’t even have any paved roads, let alone reliable plumbing and electricity. Don’t people go somewhere exotic to get away from the local strip mall, or do we really need to surround ourselves with the familiar, no matter the locale?

I suppose Tamarindo is turning into a full blown resort and the influx of Wal-Mart et al is inevitable. But come on people, leave the craving for a Big Mac at home, and experience the flavor of another culture!

For those wanting to avoid the crowds of Tamarindo, Nosara is pure nirvana. For many years a remote backpackers destination attracting no one but surfers, Nosara has grown enough to boast a few hotels and some restricted services. Surfing is still the only game in town, but the land is being rapidly snatched up by foreign money. The locals get a kick out of how suddenly the courts are crammed, as gringos contribute modern ideas to their village by attempting to sue the pants off each other. Unfortunately, another trend is appearing, that of foreigners using the courts to push out the locals, whose close proximity apparently lowers the property values.

All of this results from self centeredness and ignorance. We wear blinders so we don’t feel responsible for our actions. Returning to the leatherback turtle scene, I’m struck by the very same attitudes. I wasn’t chastising people for socializing around the pool. People can fill their leisure time with whatever they please. But, strolling along Playa Grande, I was hoping to get just a sense that people in our group were able to recognize the rare beauty that we were sharing, and to understand how endangered it is. Instead, all I saw were people unable or unwilling to leave “Sex In The City” behind for just an hour. And to me, that’s inexcusable.

That’s just my opinion, and that’s why there’s feedback. Keep it coming, regardless of whether you like it, or you think I’m a jackass. I’ll do my best to keep you interested, or furious.

Inane Chatter

Hello all. Sorry for the delay in updating the Digglings, but I’ve been off in Costa Rica with my sister avoiding the West Coast winter rains. Now, one may think that such a holiday would have lead to several blog entries about endless sunshine and glorious surfing, and that may yet happen. But not now. First, I need to blow off some steam, for I have witnessed countless scenarios that leave me convinced of the ongoing decline of civilization and the impending end to our society as a whole.

My next few entries will discuss some of these observations. The following is the first. I call it:

Inane Chatter

Now come on people. If you’re stupid you should be self conscious about it, not broadcast it at full volume for all the world to hear!

There’s a classic scene in Jim Jarmusch’s film “Broken Flowers” where Bill Murray is riding a bus from an airport terminal to the rental car lot. Sitting across from him are two teenage girls engaged in the most mindless banter imaginable. The look on his face alone is worth the price of admission. He sports a slight grin all the while conveying a sense of absolute exasperation and complete disdain. In the end, however, you can tell he understands because, after all, they are just teenage girls.

If inane banter was restricted to teenage girls, I’d be OK with it, too. They go hand in hand, right down to the incessant repetition of “like” and “oh my god”. My problem is that mindless dialogue appears to be an outbreak of epidemic proportions, affecting every last man, woman and child in America. And they insist on shoving it in your face.

Case in point. Our last night in Costa Rica we went on a guided moonlight stroll down “Playa Grande” to witness a true wonder of nature, leatherback turtles laying eggs in the sand. It’s an incredible spectacle.

Leatherbacks are the largest turtles in the world, some measuring over three feet wide and five feet long. The females struggle up onto the beach at high tide in the dark, and deposit up to 70 eggs into a trench that they dig with their rear flippers. Not long ago, the beach would have been home to over 200 turtles a night going through this process. Today, the average is around three per night, and the overall turtle populations are dwindling fast. The reason is, of course, man’s interference with the turtle’s environment.

In an effort to preserve the leatherback turtles, Costa Rica has designated Playa Grande as a nature preserve, and only a limited number of guided trips are permitted on the beach at night. So, Beth and I signed up and joined a group of about thirty tourists eager to experience the spectacle.

Picture this – you’re part of the only group walking along an otherwise empty 2 ½ mile stretch of pristine beach. The moon has yet to rise, but the sheer abundance of stars cast enough light that you can actually see your shadow. The surf crashes noisily, occasionally splashing your bare feet with warm tropical water as you expectantly approach a leatherback turtle.

Sounds absolutely magical, yes?

Well, it should have been, but it wasn’t. How could such an otherwise perfect occasion be ruined? You guessed it, with stupid, brainless, dim-witted, inane chatter. Our group of thirty individuals came from all over North America, and the one thing they had in common was that they just wouldn’t shut up. It was absolutely mind-boggling.

Like all interactions while abroad, it starts with the absurd mantra of the American tourist, “ Where y’all from?”. The question itself isn’t at issue, it’s the intent. You see, people who ask that question really aren’t interested in where you’re from. They’re initiating a conversation because they’re interested in telling you where they’re from! It’s a time worn tradition. Some profusely sweating perfect stranger blurts out the dreaded question from across a bus or on the street, and before you can say “Canada”, he or she interrupts you to fill you in on everything you didn’t want to know about Tuba City, Arizona. (I didn’t make that up, honest!) And, unless you’re particularly rude, the endless diatribe of gibberish picks up from there.

Our walk along Playa Grande in the starlight was no different. The poor Costa Rican guide finally gave up on trying to fill us in on local lore, because he was continuously drowned out by a barrage of increasingly voluminous idiodicy. It was like a contest. Not to be outdone by a school girl complaining that her legs were going to be sore from this epic hike, a college girl started to loudly complain to her mother that her roommate’s boyfriend wouldn’t let she and some girls watch Sex In The City DVDs because Monday Night Football was on. She was infuriated, and apparently wanted all of us to feel her pain.

And on it went for the entire half hour it took us to get to the turtle. Whatever fleeting thought that leapt into each individual’s mind was immediately blurted out for all to hear. Calling it vacuous is giving it too much credit.

Even worse were the questions that people asked the guide after we had spent 15 minutes watching the turtle lay her eggs. The guide had been adamant that we keep silent while in close proximity to the turtle, a task which I’m sure was torture for our group. We then moved about a hundred feet away so the guide could field questions. I was more appalled than during the walk. I’m convinced that people only ask questions so they can hear themselves talk. It has absolutely nothing to do with learning. It has everything to do with exposing oneself as a complete imbecile.

In my mind, our guide showed Herculean restraint. Check out some of these questions:

“What color are the eggs?” What?!? You mean the white eggs you were just looking at less than 30 seconds ago?
“What size are the eggs?” Once again, we’re discussing the eggs you just saw. They were mere inches from your nose. There was no illusion of any kind going on, so if they looked to be just slightly larger than a golf ball, then they are probably just slightly larger than a golf ball.

The questions were fired at the guide faster than he could answer them. But, I had the utmost confidence in his ability to answer all of them because he had already told us the answers in his preamble talk before we started walking. People were making up questions to information that they had already heard. What size is the turtle? Why is it called a leatherback? How many eggs does it lay? Unbelievable! Each and every one of us had a hand-out that the guide had read to us before we started, and the answer to EVERY question that was asked was on the handout.

Every question, that is, except one. And it is with that question that I will end this rant. A rather slight, spectacled, middle aged fellow had been silent for most of the question answer period, but towards the end he had to prove to all of us that he held knowledge that was exclusive to the rest. With a nervous giggle, he asked the guide about how long “the act” took between the male and female turtle. The guide said he wasn’t sure. So, in front of the whole group, including children, the man started to describe to us in great detail that it went on for a really, really long time. Perhaps not as long as it took for him to tell us, but for a really long time just the same. His long winded answer to his own question was often punctuated by Mr. Burns style laughter, leading me to believe that at least one member of our group wasn’t a total idiot. Certifiably insane yes, but not necessarily an idiot.

Stop Don't Go Traffic

Oh to be the guy who sells traffic lights to the city of Vancouver! He must be making money hand over fist. This holiday season, who needs Christmas lights? We’ve already got plenty of flashing red and green lights for as far as the eye can see!

For those of you fortunate enough to not have to drive Vancouver city streets each day, let me explain. Back in the early 70’s, Vancouver city planners made a conscious decision not to build freeways. Their vision was one of a city with lots of green space, minimal cars and effective transit. Considering Vancouver’s idyllic location on the west coast, I’d say that wasn’t a bad idea.

However, there is a not-so subtle difference between vision and implementation, and Vancouver is a textbook example of how the one doesn’t necessarily lead to the other. In fact, it more closely resembles an example of how bright ideas can get totally screwed up.

The original plan was to discourage people from commuting by making driving in the city as frustrating as possible while at the same time providing efficient and cost effective transportation alternatives. Pretty simple, really. If driving is a pain, people will take another option.

Well, they got it half right. Driving in Vancouver is indeed a pain. You can’t get anywhere quickly because all the roads are clogged city streets. There are no freeways or thoroughfares. Moreover, there are hardly any left hand turn lanes or advance turn signals! As a result, rush hour lasts from 7 AM to 7 PM.

Of course, making life hell for drivers was the easy part of the plan. The city has saved a bundle on highway construction (there is none) and has obviously put no money or even thought into improving the infrastructure of existing roads. About all they seem to have done is to initiate a plan whereby traffic lights are being installed at every single intersection in the city. It’s infuriating in its idiodicy, but it sure adds to the goal of snarling traffic and exasperating drivers. Good job on task one city planners!

Meanwhile, the city collects some of the highest civic taxes in the country. Now, it was my understanding that the reasoning behind the high taxes was that the city was going to build a world class public transit system. Remember that part of the plan? The bit about effective and efficient alternatives? Instead, the city appears to be spending the money talking about building a world class public transit system. Apparently, talk doesn’t come cheap here on the west coast. So, while city planners talk, the number of cars on the road multiplies like rabbits, and drivers have an increasing number of stop lights where they can get out of their cars and clobber their fellow motorists with golf clubs.

On a recent trip to Seattle, I heard that they are looking to Vancouver as a model for the redevelopment of their downtown core. I hope they’ve stocked up on traffic lights.

Liberal Party Antics

Or, The Gomery Report for Americans

When people outside of Canada think of a liberal party, they think of a room full of flakey hippies smoking grass and experimenting with free love. In other words, Democrats. Fair enough. In Canada, the term liberal has taken on a whole new meaning. That’s because the federal political party that has been in power for as long as anyone can remember is called “The Liberal Party”. They aren’t so much left leaning or even right leaning, but instead tend to stay centralized, collecting huge quantities of taxpayer’s dollars while trying their best not to rock the boat.

This model has proved to be quite successful for them, that is until recently. Over the last several years, the Liberals have participated in some “back room shenanigans” that even typically apathetic Canadians are getting worked up about. The outcome may very well be that the general population decides to put down their beers, stand up and call for the resignation of the governing party! Or not. Either way, it’s made for some pretty interesting headlines, and is worth some further discussion.

But first, a little background for those readers located south of the border in the great US of A. (Readers in Canada or any other country that recognizes life beyond its own borders, feel free to skip ahead) There is a large land mass north of the 49th parallel. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe because any map of the USA that’s made in America shows nothing but a great void up north. But the land mass is real. I can prove it. I live there. The great land mass is called North America. The country that occupies that land is called Canada.

French Whine
In Canada we have both English and French speaking people. The English live pretty well everywhere, while the French are all clustered in Quebec (and Provincial capitals, but that’s a really long story to be saved for another time). The dual language system in Canada is called bilingualism, and the government tells us it works really well.

A decade or so ago, the French people in Quebec felt unloved and tried to separate from Canada. They voted on it in a referendum, and the “let’s split” vote failed by the slimmest of margins. The French blamed the loss on non-French people living in Quebec. They have since been doing their best to make non-French people feel extra unwelcome, so that there will be fewer of them around when Quebec has its next referendum. Referendums are a fairly regular occurrence in Quebec. It’s a French thing.

Anyhow, the Government of Canada is made up of people from all over the country. However, those in the positions that have some power are primarily French speaking. It’s hard to explain why, but it’s related to bilingualism and that provincial capital phenomena I mentioned earlier - a balance of power sort of thing. So, for those in power, English is usually their second language. This explains why whenever you see a Canadian politician on American television (which only ever happens on South Park), they sound like Pepe LePew. It also explains why Canadian politicians have lots of close ties to businesses in Quebec.

At What Cost Unity?
Several years ago, the Canadian Liberal government decided that Canada really needs Quebec. As a result, the government has poured hundreds of millions of dollars into Quebec to try to convince them not to have another referendum. The government calls this a sponsorship program, and like bilingualism, the government tells us it works really well.

But, who does it in fact work really well for? (This is where it gets really interesting. Those readers who skipped ahead earlier should start paying attention again.) The sponsorship money goes to organizations in Quebec that are best positioned to promote Canada, organizations like consulting firms, marketing groups and brothels (they’re legal in Quebec – life’s actually not so bad there). And, of course, these organizations all happen to be run by “associates” of Liberal government officials.

So far, none of this should have raised any eyebrows (except for maybe the brothels, which have been known to raise more than eyebrows). After all, efforts to keep the country united could only have the best interests of all Canadians at heart, right? Even so, one day it occurred to some non-Liberal Party individuals that it was time to investigate this “perfectly legitimate government business” being done “strictly for the good of the country”. They began by comparing a list of those in Quebec who received government sponsorship money to a list of the biggest monetary supporters of the federal Liberal Party. The lists were practically identical. Hence, the Liberal Party was getting huge campaign contributions from groups that had first received buckets of federally collected tax dollars.

Gomery To The Rescue!
The implications were enormous. Money laundering is illegal, after all, and a government caught doing so had better be prepared for taxpayer revolt. That was the situation in Canada. It was a scandalous scenario, requiring immediate, hardnosed action. In typical Canadian fashion, when the going gets tough and we are facing a battle we form a committee, and the sponsorship scandal was no exception . In this case we appointed a committee of one – Justice John Gomery. Mr. Gomery was handed the unenviable task of getting to the bottom of all the sponsorship intrigue. His first task? He’d need to learn how to speak French. The rest would be easy.

Still, committee work is grueling, requiring long hours and many months, which is just what the Liberal Party was counting on. Another Canadian trademark in addition to forming committees is apathy, and the Liberals were counting on the Canadian public to be so distracted by the resumption of hockey that the findings of the inquiry would pass unnoticed.

Well, Mr. Gomery’s findings were released a week ago in a document aptly entitled “The Gomery Report”. Unfortunately for the Liberals, Canadians have one more trademark, that of multitasking. So, despite our fervent passion for the return of “the good old hockey game”, Canadians were equally fervent in our disdain for what the Gomery report exposed.

The Gomery inquiry had involved countless interviews with everyone from current and past Prime Ministers (for those of you in red states, the Prime Minister is the Canadian version of the President), to CEOs of Quebec corporations. The complete and utter disrespect for the Canadian public displayed by the government officials was astounding, although not completely out of character for politicians. Our past Prime Minister (OK America, fifty points to the first person who can actually name our last PM) was callous enough to ask:
“What’s a few million doll-airs ‘ere and zhair? Zee government budget is very big. ‘Ow could we possibly keep track of every few million doll-airs?”
But hey, at least he was telling the truth, sort of. The rest of our elected officials claimed with an air of Bart Simpson smugness “I didn’t do it!” This is in itself puzzling, because it suggests they all knew it was going on but claimed they didn’t know who was doing it. I call it the Bill Clinton technique - deny, deny, deny…and pray there’s no photographic evidence.

If the politicians were playing the arrogant and innocent cards, their Quebec counterparts were trying to trump them with the “stupidity” card. There was the president of a Quebec marketing firm who saw revenues jump from $85,000 one year to $1.8 million the following. The money was reputed to have come from the Government of Canada, but the paper trail was a bit fuzzy (probably because it was all in French). There was no record of where the money went. The company hadn’t hired any new employees or moved into a bigger location. They hadn’t even printed T-shirts with “Canada Allons Zee!” (Let’s Go Canada!) on them. When asked if he had any recollection of any of this, the best the president under investigation could muster was a Reagan-esque “I don’t remember…”, which is a phrase that Justice Gomery became quite familiar with while interviewing folks from Quebec.

The End Of The Liberal Era?
Stories like these abound in the Gomery report, and we Canadians are really mad at the Liberal Party. To fuel the fire, the CBC, our national news service, has posted the entire report on its Website. None of us have actually read it, but we’re mad just knowing it’s there. We’re so mad that we plan to wait around and see what the other Canadian political parties plan to do about it.

Right now, the other parties are sort of thinking of calling an election, but if they do, they don’t want it to interfere with Christmas. We Canadians love the holiday season. Why spoil it with bringing down a corrupt political party? So, if there actually is an election, it will probably occur in the Spring, an appropriate time for renewal. That’s when we’ll all head back to the polls and, yet again, vote Liberal.

The Gras is Always Greener, Unless it’s Foie

Who’s more powerful, a saint or a knight?  Now, I’m not talking about just any old saint or knight, I mean the guys presently at the top of the heap, the current crème de la crème, as it were.  In today’s world, the most powerful saint has got to be The Pope.  He talks directly to God, after all.  And if you took a straw poll around the office, I’d bet the winner of the knights contest would be Sir Paul McCartney.  If nothing else, he at least thinks he’s a god.

What would happen if it weren’t a contest at all, if instead these two powerhouses decided to pool their collective strength together for a noble cause of some sort?  They would certainly be a formidable “God Squad”.  

The fact of the matter is, they have already teamed up.  Not only that, they have brought in a little earthly muscle, just in case.  Yes, even Arnold Schwarzenegger is on board for this the mightiest of modern crusades.  In a day and age where the world has seen genocide, famine, natural disasters and unjust wars, those closest to God (and Arnie, too) have brought it upon themselves to stand up for that most noble of beasts – the goose.  That’s right, forget about human suffering, our crusaders are out to put an end to the agony of the goose.  They are campaigning for a world wide boycott of foie gras.

For those of you unfamiliar with foie gras, it is a traditional French pate made from the liver of a goose.  The more fat in and around the liver, the more absolutely dreamy the pate becomes.  Needless to say, the temptation arises to “help the goose out” when it comes time to put on a few extra inches.  It is the sometimes crude methodology involved in this process that has caught the attention of the God Squad.

Let’s start with the saint.  Not long ago, Pope Benedict XVI, then known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, was asked about his thoughts on the treatment of animals.  He responded with compassion and called animals our "companions in creation."  He also went on to say:
"we cannot just do whatever we want with them. ... Certainly, a sort of industrial use of creatures, so that geese are fed in such a way as to produce as large a liver as possible…this degrading of living creatures to a commodity seems to me in fact to contradict the relationship of mutuality that comes across in the Bible."

Uh Benny, where on Earth did you read that?  It's common knowledge that God created man in his own image.  The goose was created in the image of a very distant (and somewhat estranged) cousin whose name escapes even the enlightened writings of the Gospels.  Animals were put on earth to serve man, or at least to be served to man, preferably with a lovely Sauterne.

Or so I thought, until Sir Paul came on the scene.  A recent BBC headline caught my eye: “Sir Paul McCartney urges California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to ban the French delicacy foie gras”.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, but it’s true.  Read it for yourself at: http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/entertainment/music/3685602.stm

How can I argue with Sir Paul?  I suppose, there’s no other recourse than to have a change of heart. Let’s make up for all those years of goose torture, primarily by the evil French, and raise the standard of living for all geese.  Their lives shall be spent roaming the lushest of fields, and sleeping in air controlled comfort on nothing but the finest goose-down silk pillows... Or maybe not.

So why all the fuss?  It wasn’t that long ago that no one outside of France other than members of the foreign legion knew what foie gras was.  In fact, most North Americans can’t pronounce it, let alone know what it is.  It has only been in very recent memory that foie gras has become a mainstay on the menu of any restaurant that also marks up its wine by 300%.  

And that in itself is essentially the problem.  Demand for the super creamy, irresistible stuff has flown the coup, so to speak.  Once a delicacy reserved for French aristocracy, foie gras is now sought after world wide.  The demand has far surpassed the supply that can be produced by a few farms in the Dordogne.  Thus, industrial foie gras production facilities have appeared, many of them in Eastern European countries.  The conditions in these facilities are truly horrific, beginning to rival their North American counterpart, the modern chicken farm.

In the end, that’s what irks me the most about this passionate cry for goose rights.  At the urging of Sir Paul, Arnie is currently calling for a ban on foie gras in California.  I wonder if either of these do-gooders has visited a chicken facility lately?  They don’t even have to go that far.  There’s lots of information right at their (and our) fingertips.  One example is AnimalConcerns.org, which has a whole section dedicated to chicken farms.  Some of the depictions of beakless, steroid stuffed chickens penned in three to a cage seem more appropriate in a horror flick.  Yet, I don’t see the Paul and Arnie show calling for a ban on Kentucky Fried Chicken!  And last I checked, there are a hell of a lot more chicken farms around the world than goose facilities.

Maybe “Team Terminator” should use their connections to divinity to tackle the bigger issues in their own back yards.  Ah, but then again, that’s not good for business or politics.  Best to point across the pond and yell “Fowl!”  Oh, and can I get two dozen wings with that?

Kick 'Em While They're Down

To the 27% of Americans who believe that the recent onslaught of natural disasters in the world is God acting out against sinful rebellious mankind, I say GIVE YOUR HEAD A SHAKE!  Or, maybe more appropriately, get your heads out of your self righteous asses and pay attention!

If God really wanted us to take notice, do you think He would focus His anger on some of the poorest people in the world?  How can you possibly think that one day God got really fed-up with His creation and decided to teach a lesson to those in charge by kicking the shit out of those who hardly have any shit left in them?

No, if God truly wanted to get His point across, his anger would probably touch down elsewhere.  Problem is, that’s not happening.  Instead, Condoleezza is able to take time away from her morning television cameos to stiff-arm Kyrgyzstan into continued support of the US Air force, while the death toll continues to rise in Pakistan, hampered by bad weather.  Last I checked, the SUVs are all back tackling the rugged streets of Houston and Tom Delay continues to be the “go-to guy” for White House republicans, while contractors argue over how much they get to charge for re-building New Orleans.

Something’s just not quite right here.  This God fellow is supposed to be pretty smart, right?  I mean, after all, he did create the entire universe in a week (six days actually, took a breather on the seventh).  Not only that, but he knows and sees everything.  Period.  Right?

So, if God is truly such a powerful and awe-inspiring Entity, who are we to even fathom a guess as to what He’s doing?  Maybe we should let God continue to do his thing, whatever that may be, and we can concentrate on something that we actually have some control over?  Like, oh I don’t know, Global Warming maybe?

Hurricane? What Hurricane?

Remember investigative reporting? It seems no more than a foggy concept from our distant past, but there was actually a time when we could count on our news media to report things that mattered to the nation. There was Walter Cronkite (who as a news anchor was once “the most trusted man in America”) reporting from Vietnam, addressing the nation with news that this was a war that America couldn’t win, and backing it up with some first hand information in addition to what was then horrific footage. There was a time when the media even played government watchdog, as in the days of Nixon and Watergate.

But today, our news media seems to have been reduced to fleets of reporters in rain slickers waiting for natural disasters. They’re arguably worse than ambulance chasers, choosing not to persue, but rather to stand on street corners in hopes that an accident might happen. Technology has improved so that information can be disseminated instantly from anywhere in the world, yet the people that use it are focused on bringing us 24 hour coverage of the weather, and speculation about Michael Jackson. Today’s investigative reporting is defined by Geraldo standing next to a large puddle in Galveston, Texas asking “How in the world are they going to deal with this?” and demanding “I need military assistance right here, right now!”

I spent this past weekend at a music festival in Austin, Texas. The eye of the hurricane had been predicted by the National Weather Service to be directly over Austin at 1 PM on Saturday. As it turned out, the hurricane ended up elsewhere, but the hysteria was still painfully evident - not a vacancy to be had, people at grocery marts with shopping carts loaded to the brim with bottled water (and junk food), a potential gas shortage at the pumps and the world’s longest traffic jam out on the interstate (in one direction). The religious talk radio program blaring in our taxi from the airport insisted that the rapture was undoubtedly upon us.

Now, I’m not suggesting that warning people of potential danger from natural disasters is a bad thing. Far from it. But that’s not what the media is doing. If warning people had even been on their priority radar, the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina may very well have been reduced. No, the media barrage came afterwards. Tragedy, misfortune and death, now that sells advertising! So, not only were we inundated with it in the wake of the first storm, but oh rapture, there was a second “even bigger” one coming right behind. Who needs Hollywood? The end of the world, or at least the gulf coast, was going to be brought to us live on CNN et al.

The real tragedy in all of this hype is that what should really matter to us isn’t making the news channels or headlines. Imagine, the richest country in the world can’t take care of its own citizens in times of trouble. Instead, it’s as if a disaster had occurred in a third world country. The Salvation Army, Red Cross and United Way are begging for donations. Televised professional sports events are covered with 1-800 numbers to call in your donation. It’s only a matter of time before Bob Geldoff organizes a multi-continental “US Aid”. A country of unparalleled wealth brought to its knees by a single storm. How could that have happened? Maybe Michael Jackson can tell us?

Still, it’s not like our news media hasn’t been distracting the population from real issues for many years. And, it really doesn’t matter whether it’s happening because it’s the media’s “modus operandi”, or because we the people want to be distracted and the media is just following suit. We can all take some of the responsibility.

The storm reports have been a welcome diversion from the increasingly mundane carnage in Iraq. The incessant Iraq coverage was convenient filler as opposed to prying into other potentially sticky issues like election fraud in Ohio and sky rocketing “earmarking” in the US federal budget process (can you say money laundering?). Hell, at least there are explosions and wailing mothers to watch in Iraq.

Oh yeah, and then there's Gary Condit, the only man in America happy for the media blitz that accompanied 9/11. Who is Gary Condit you ask? I rest my case.

Elevator Etiquette

There are many indicators of the impending demise of civilization as we know it, not the least of which is currently unfolding south of the 49th. However, there are some slightly more subtle occurrences that also suggest a sorry decline in certain aspects of day to day society.

Take getting off an elevator, for example. Before leaving my apartment this morning, I was returning a small flat cart to the building recycling center. I normally take the stairs, but the cart necessitated that I use the elevator. As the doors opened into our lobby, some nimrod with his head down walked right into the elevator. Of course, he also walked right into the cart, which caused him to tumble head first onto the cart while grabbing his ankle which had met the blunt front end of the cart with some force. He then gathered himself up, cursed at me, and backed out of the elevator.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but is it not good form to, when waiting for an elevator door to open so one can get on that elevator, first take a look into the elevator? Furthermore, is it not actually just common courtesy to allow people already in the elevator to exit before others enter? I’m not imagining things here, right? That’s pretty common knowledge, yes?
So why is it that more and more people are choosing to ignore this generally accepted practice? The now limping fellow that I encountered this morning is just a slightly more extreme example of what I have been observing for some time. Elevator doors open and everyone tries to enter and exit at the same time. The result? A traffic jam that makes intersections in India look orderly!

About all I can surmise is this is just another example of the ongoing decay of the fabric of our society. First it was trudging mud across Mom’s living room carpet, now this. The future looks grim…